It should’ve been me

It should’ve been me

 

It should’ve been me

dancing in the club

feeling out of place

observing and imitating

having fun nonetheless

getting drunk to become like them

wanting to go home but still dancing my heart out

because of my friends

that I love, so much

 

It should’ve been me looking over

glancing at the cute boys

trying to catch the eyes

of one of them looking at me

then looking down and blushing

putting on a dumb performance

and deep down pray that it works

 

It should’ve been me in Orlando

hearing panic over the loud music

gathering my friends like a shepherd

holding hands and hiding

wanting to be a hero but not wanting to die

calling my mom to tell her I love her

running through a million escape ideas

but ultimately doing nothing

 

It should’ve been me waiting

for the coin to flip

heads you die tails you live

but you don’t want to live

nor do you want to die

you want everything to be over

not just the shooting

but everything after

you want the aftermath to be over

before you even know if you’ll get to see it

 

It should’ve been me avoiding bullets

yet wanting to be shot so bad

to run up to him, grab his gun, and shoot yourself

and hopefully your brains splatter on his eyes

and everyone runs away

except they don’t want to

stuck between the death drive and the survival instinct

frozen by their marriage

forever frozen inside

no matter the outcome

It should’ve been me in there

It should’ve been me

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beat my heart

beat my heart

 

did you

feel my heart

beat

between your fingers

your soft hands

on my neck

as i heaved

my last sigh of dignity

 

did you

feel my heart

beat

on your fist

crashing on my chest

my arm

my other arm

terrorist of my body

 

did you

feel my heart

beat

as it sank down

to my feet

and buried itself

to close its eyes

my body its tombstone

my bruises the epitaph

 

did you

feel my heart

beat

when you beat my heart

squeezed one last drop of blood from it

with these hands

that once loved me