It should’ve been me

It should’ve been me

 

It should’ve been me

dancing in the club

feeling out of place

observing and imitating

having fun nonetheless

getting drunk to become like them

wanting to go home but still dancing my heart out

because of my friends

that I love, so much

 

It should’ve been me looking over

glancing at the cute boys

trying to catch the eyes

of one of them looking at me

then looking down and blushing

putting on a dumb performance

and deep down pray that it works

 

It should’ve been me in Orlando

hearing panic over the loud music

gathering my friends like a shepherd

holding hands and hiding

wanting to be a hero but not wanting to die

calling my mom to tell her I love her

running through a million escape ideas

but ultimately doing nothing

 

It should’ve been me waiting

for the coin to flip

heads you die tails you live

but you don’t want to live

nor do you want to die

you want everything to be over

not just the shooting

but everything after

you want the aftermath to be over

before you even know if you’ll get to see it

 

It should’ve been me avoiding bullets

yet wanting to be shot so bad

to run up to him, grab his gun, and shoot yourself

and hopefully your brains splatter on his eyes

and everyone runs away

except they don’t want to

stuck between the death drive and the survival instinct

frozen by their marriage

forever frozen inside

no matter the outcome

It should’ve been me in there

It should’ve been me

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I Fell in Love with Steven Prior

(This poem is sexually explicit. Steven Prior is a gay porn star. So, naturally, 18+ and NSFW. This is based on an actual dream I had last night.)

 

I Fell in Love with Steven Prior

 

His gigantic member

meat for days

a buffet for carnivores

endless erection

an Eiffel tower

Stendhal Syndrome at its sight

 

It was in a dream

dry as a desert

that his pornographic penis moved my heart

and I confusedly

gave it to him

 

He took me away

to his super sex world

a landscape of covered in cum

cockscape

and somehow

somehow

I loved him

I loved his penis

I loved him

 

His penis made love to my heart

him and me

he and I

shared the space of a dream

 

My heart

the size of his dick

but soft, all too soft

hurt as I woke up

longing

longing for something long.

mourning as in morning

mourning as in morning

the morning after

I take a pill

but you’re not gone

from my body

from my mind

 

deuil as in deux

two, the two of us

split, rift

in two different times and spaces

me in my double bed

you in your single coffin

I have space for you

you have none for me

 

grief as in gris

gray, gray matter

your death inscribed in me

in my brain

my identity

your death is me

I am your death

we are one again

inside my memory